Because, you know, I can be quite imprudent when it comes to these things.

I didn’t really have anything to do last night, so I figured I would watch the fourth annual Spike TV Video Game Awards. Unlike the Oscars, which are voted on by members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the VGA winners are chosen by an undisclosed panel which may or may not be the Gamestop board of directors. I found the show to be incredibly eye opening, so I figured I’d share some highlights with everyone.

1. The Atrocious Opening Musical Number. I wish there was a video I could link to for this. Jack Black and some other obese gentlemen defend themselves against reading, exercise and healthy relationships. Everyone is clad in underwear and stained white t-shirts, the devil is repelled by an ejaculation of sparks and flames, and the narrative of GTA IV is suggested to be comparable to actual literature. I’m so glad all of this was crammed into the first few minutes of the show: the curious television viewer could confirm their theories of gamer culture and switch back to CSI Miami reruns without missing anything.

2. Two Hours Worth Of Objectification. The opening set the tone for the rest of the evening: Wii Fit is what you buy your girlfriend so she can have “a sweet ass,” and females only exist to prevent men from doing the things they enjoy. Categories were announced with camera fly-throughs between the legs of a woman wearing a shiny one-piece body suit (more like a half-piece, really). Awards were presented by what could be considered literal feminine objects lowered by wire onto the stage; they were completely silent, covered in silver body paint and decorated as trophies themselves. It’s amazing to think that this is somehow a step up from the proceedings of the previous year. Spike TV seems to be unaware that video games are played by people other than adolescent males on the verge of transitioning into a career in serial murder. Guess what: not only do women play games, but so do men who are capable of respecting women. Crazy concept. I half expected a montage highlighting the working girls of Liberty City.

3. Jack Black Having Intercourse With Game Consoles. I suppose there were elements of this segment that were reasonably amusing, but the premise didn’t seem to make much sense. While fornicating with an Xbox 360 and a PS3, a Wii caught him in the act. The Wii was indicated to represent his wife and an onlooking DS Lite his son. I suppose the consoles were symbolic of their primary audience? Using logic like that, he would have been having sex with a foul-mouthed 14 year old boy and someone’s introverted technophile uncle.

4. Confirmation On The Watchmen Game Regarding Quality. Yeah, that world premiere trailer was something, alright. Gamestop is probably quite sad that they couldn’t add a “PREORDER NOW!” blurb at the end of the trailer due to it being digitally distributed. Now our economy will never recover.

5. Sorrow Is Fueled By Dew. I’m not sure how “Independent Game” and “Sponsored By Mountain Dew” ended up in the same sentence.

6. Mike Tyson. The parental advisory warning at the beginning of the show did not mention his appearance.

7. The Big Name In The Game. There’s an award that goes to the biggest celebrity who did voice work in a video game this year. This is unrelated to “Best Vocal Performance.” Ridiculous in and of itself, but how does Jenny McCarthy win over Dame Judi Dench? Next year I hope to see a category called “Biggest Residual Paycheck.”

8. Realizing That These Awards Are All Bullshit. The majority of awards were presented in a thirty second montage before a commercial break. So we get an extended musical number by LL Cool J to introduce a world premiere trailer featuring no actual gameplay, but the awards themselves get relegated to a speedy voice over announcement? Here’s the deal, Spike: I’ll start taking this stuff seriously when you do. The fact that awards were given out based on hype rather than merit didn’t help, either.

9. Having To Watch This To See Tim Schafer. I suppose there is one thing Spike TV understands about gamers: we are foolish fanboys who will put up with anything just to see even a sliver of information on a new title. I’m still not clear on if Brutal Legend will be any good, but I got to see a brief trailer introduced by Tim Schafer himself. I should probably go out and buy some Mountain Dew to support the game.

10. Being Bothered Enough To Write A Blog Entry. I am only contributing to the problem. I need to get a hobby to distract me from my hobby.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 9:49 pm and is filed under This Week In Internet. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.