Electronic Gaming Monthly: The Game of Life
I can most certainly remember the first issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly I had purchased. And, unfortunately, I can remember the last.
The first was in September of 1989. I remember it well, because I bought it with some of the allowance money I had saved up over the summer so I could show it off to all the kids at school during our first week back. When I was a kid, game magazines were status symbols. The kid with the latest issue of Nintendo Power was everyone’s best friend. That kid was the informant, the person you went to when you needed a cheat code or when your mom would only get you one new game for your birthday and you needed opinions.
In 1989, magazines were not given a quick once-over and tossed aside as they are today. They were systematically consumed. There were rituals involved. Each word and image had meaning, each word and image had to be absorbed. This was before the internet, so every turn of the page was something new. “Oh my God! Battletoads! What the hell is a Battletoad?” It was awesome.
My first EGM issue had Fabio on the cover. Seriously. It was some promo image for the Wizards & Warriors sequel. In 1989, these things were okay to to put on the cover of a game magazine. I didn’t really think about the cover when I bought it. It’s a magazine about gaming! I just wanted to be cool, and that magazine was my ticket to the top.
Well, guess what: kids may care about gaming magazines, but they care about their perceived sexuality even more. “Dude, is that Fabio? Gay! I’m not reading that. Get out of here, lard ass.” Oh, I should mentioned that everyone called me “lard ass.” Because I was fat.
Children can be so cruel! How the hell did little kids even know who Fabio was? I guess it’s just one of those things that everyone is aware of, like orange juice or death. My copy of EGM and I were rejected by my peers. That jerk Mark Schlosser down the street had a subscription to Nintendo Power, so they didn’t even need me.
It didn’t matter. Fabio’s frightening scowl kept me company. I stayed up late studying previews for Double Dragon 2 and analyzing the review for Friday the 13th (which was even panned back then, if I recall correctly). My little brother, Maxwell, wasn’t old enough to read yet, so I had to vocalize the reviews for him. “This game is packed with hidden surprises, special options and much more!” That sounds like something I would say. He would normally reply with “well, I guess I should buy that game” as if he had the money to buy games. He was, like, two years old. Now he works at the deli section of a supermarket and spends all his money on drugs.
My last issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly was the January 2009 issue. It had Hugh Jackman on the cover. That’s worse than Fabio, right? I don’t think it matters… today’s child gets his gaming fix from Kotaku, not EGM. The coolest kid on the playground is the one that can show you how to get porn on your PSP. Modern six year olds are too busy having babies and doing meth to worry about old media. Times have changed! Which is why I’m going to miss EGM.
EGM has gone downhill a bit during it’s lifetime, but it was still something I enjoyed. Not just because I love print media, but because of all the memories from my childhood. Part of why I play video games is because I miss being a child. Things were clear and simple; I didn’t have to worry about student loans or where I was going to live or what that lump is. I just had to worry finishing Metroid quickly enough to see Samus without her helmet. So when EGM shuts it’s doors a month shy of their 20th anniversay and everyone is laid off in the shittiest way possible, it hurts. It’s like a segment of my childhood disappeared, replaced by the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies adulthood. I hope all those people can find jobs.
The worst part of this is that Game Informer now has no competition in North America. What a shitty publication. Someone needs to ressurect the Gamer’s Quarter.