Or, you know, just keep doing what you’re doing. I’m going to go back to playing Scrabble on Facebook.

Side Note: I’ve had the RE5 demo for a week now, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to play it. I loved Resident Evil 4, but there is something about the sequel that just makes me feel off. I get the same vibe from footage of this game that I got from Call of Duty: World at War. See below if you have no idea what I’m talking about but somehow managed to read this entire entry.

Because, you know, I can be quite imprudent when it comes to these things.

I didn’t really have anything to do last night, so I figured I would watch the fourth annual Spike TV Video Game Awards. Unlike the Oscars, which are voted on by members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the VGA winners are chosen by an undisclosed panel which may or may not be the Gamestop board of directors. I found the show to be incredibly eye opening, so I figured I’d share some highlights with everyone.

1. The Atrocious Opening Musical Number. I wish there was a video I could link to for this. Jack Black and some other obese gentlemen defend themselves against reading, exercise and healthy relationships. Everyone is clad in underwear and stained white t-shirts, the devil is repelled by an ejaculation of sparks and flames, and the narrative of GTA IV is suggested to be comparable to actual literature. I’m so glad all of this was crammed into the first few minutes of the show: the curious television viewer could confirm their theories of gamer culture and switch back to CSI Miami reruns without missing anything.

2. Two Hours Worth Of Objectification. The opening set the tone for the rest of the evening: Wii Fit is what you buy your girlfriend so she can have “a sweet ass,” and females only exist to prevent men from doing the things they enjoy. Categories were announced with camera fly-throughs between the legs of a woman wearing a shiny one-piece body suit (more like a half-piece, really). Awards were presented by what could be considered literal feminine objects lowered by wire onto the stage; they were completely silent, covered in silver body paint and decorated as trophies themselves. It’s amazing to think that this is somehow a step up from the proceedings of the previous year. Spike TV seems to be unaware that video games are played by people other than adolescent males on the verge of transitioning into a career in serial murder. Guess what: not only do women play games, but so do men who are capable of respecting women. Crazy concept. I half expected a montage highlighting the working girls of Liberty City.

3. Jack Black Having Intercourse With Game Consoles. I suppose there were elements of this segment that were reasonably amusing, but the premise didn’t seem to make much sense. While fornicating with an Xbox 360 and a PS3, a Wii caught him in the act. The Wii was indicated to represent his wife and an onlooking DS Lite his son. I suppose the consoles were symbolic of their primary audience? Using logic like that, he would have been having sex with a foul-mouthed 14 year old boy and someone’s introverted technophile uncle.

4. Confirmation On The Watchmen Game Regarding Quality. Yeah, that world premiere trailer was something, alright. Gamestop is probably quite sad that they couldn’t add a “PREORDER NOW!” blurb at the end of the trailer due to it being digitally distributed. Now our economy will never recover.

5. Sorrow Is Fueled By Dew. I’m not sure how “Independent Game” and “Sponsored By Mountain Dew” ended up in the same sentence.

6. Mike Tyson. The parental advisory warning at the beginning of the show did not mention his appearance.

7. The Big Name In The Game. There’s an award that goes to the biggest celebrity who did voice work in a video game this year. This is unrelated to “Best Vocal Performance.” Ridiculous in and of itself, but how does Jenny McCarthy win over Dame Judi Dench? Next year I hope to see a category called “Biggest Residual Paycheck.”

8. Realizing That These Awards Are All Bullshit. The majority of awards were presented in a thirty second montage before a commercial break. So we get an extended musical number by LL Cool J to introduce a world premiere trailer featuring no actual gameplay, but the awards themselves get relegated to a speedy voice over announcement? Here’s the deal, Spike: I’ll start taking this stuff seriously when you do. The fact that awards were given out based on hype rather than merit didn’t help, either.

9. Having To Watch This To See Tim Schafer. I suppose there is one thing Spike TV understands about gamers: we are foolish fanboys who will put up with anything just to see even a sliver of information on a new title. I’m still not clear on if Brutal Legend will be any good, but I got to see a brief trailer introduced by Tim Schafer himself. I should probably go out and buy some Mountain Dew to support the game.

10. Being Bothered Enough To Write A Blog Entry. I am only contributing to the problem. I need to get a hobby to distract me from my hobby.

Um.

Does anyone else think something is a bit weird here?

Gears of War 2 comes out next month, and the newest ad ups the ante. Not only does it feature a great song that is severely mismatched with the visual content, but it’s by a lesser known artist: DeVotchKa, a group from Denver who specialize in gypsy rock with a slight folk styling. Sounds like a perfect match for a game with chainsaw guns!

Or maybe I’m just not familiar with the conceptual side of Gears of War and it also heavily critiques various Christian viewpoints, which would make the track a perfect fit. All I know is that I’m really looking forward to having hundreds of frat boys shout “PLAY THE GEARS SONG!” at the next DeVotchKa show I attend.

More importantly, Xbox Live Gold members will be able to instantly able to stream movies from Netflix straight to the beast box in their living rooms. No longer does anyone have to suffer through some antiquated and laborious process to display movies and TV shows from Netflix on their televisions. It’s now nothing more than a dashboard update away! The Internet is obviously very thrilled by the whole thing.

Silly me, I’ve been using these physical discs Netflix keeps sending me to enjoy their content in my living room. Maybe I’m the only one who knows about this feature. It’s a secret to everyone.

Gamers hate physical activity. Which is sort of strange, considering that things like soccer and baseball are considered games and very much depend on physical activity. But then again they also deal with teamwork and sportsmanship and not hiding behind an avatar, so I guess it’s understandable that the average armchair gamer wouldn’t see the appeal. All things considered, people hate Wii Fit. Er, people on the internet hate Wii Fit.

In case you didn’t know, the influx of casual games is killing the industry. How is the average gamer supposed to enjoy something if other people are capable of enjoying it too? If a game doesn’t require lightning fast reflexes or thousands of hours of grinding, can it even really be considered a game? Games are supposed to tell emotional narratives about angsty teenagers killing God or heroic rapists slaughtering everything around them. What good is a game that teaches you French or helps you lose weight? No good, says Gamers Of America! The only clear course of action is to take to the metaphorical streets of the literal world wide web and let the public know that regular people shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy video games.

Wii Fit threatens the very ground that gamers stand on. We must fight against it.

Also, I don’t need Wii Fit because I’m already totally hot without it. My mouse arm is, like, huge.

Um.

Okay. While this blog entry is kind of nice just because it’s a Christian voice in support of video games (and not ones published by Wisdom Tree), the whole thing is very strange. The guy writing it seems cool, but maybe he’s just completely batshit, which I mistake for ‘cool’ on a regular basis. I actually agree with a lot of things he’s saying here… minus the part about video games being able to influence someone on a spiritual or philosophical level. I think the weirdest part of this is how the guy feels the need to reset the game every time he injures a pedestrian while driving due to crushing guilt. That’s… weird. I’m pretty sure if you hit a person in the game and then reload your last save, you’ve still hit a person in the game. If you’re convinced that your God will be angry that you inadvertently caused harm towards non-player characters or that it goes against your strong morals, I don’t think reloading will do much to help you. Unless, like, God only counts your quickest time trial or most recent run or something. That’d be a good slogan. I also like “God Is Watching, Hit the Boss Key!” and “Oh Shit, The Spanish Inquisition… Reload!

What I really want to know: why hasn’t any game attempted to incorporate abortion as either a mechanic or a plot element? There’s a lot of potential there. Maybe because core demographics love to immerse themselves in sex and violence, but abortion… not so much. It’s just not ‘money’ enough, I guess.

Maxman makes a compelling case for games as art. Honestly, who hasn’t thought that they would be the best game designer ever if only they knew, like, how to design games? I dreamt up Grand Theft Auto IV when I was seven years old, only it had more cars on screen at once and no terrible Serbian accents. And, also, it looked like Wolfenstein in my mind. The only real issue here is that this person is replying to a story about copy protection in PC games and I’m not sure what this comment has to do with that. Oh, Internet!